


The View From Above

by bigCheese



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-28
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-05-03 17:17:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 18,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5299793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigCheese/pseuds/bigCheese
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yamaguchi and Tsukiyama work through the changes in their relationship. Friendship and fluff, mostly. Takes place right after chapter 107.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ok so this is the very first hq fic i wrote, so it's kind of the fic that made me who i am hahaha and even though it's kinda old i decided to put it here. pls enjoy and ps good luck with the 1st person pov idk what i was thinking either
> 
> originally on my tumblr @narumiya-gei

Amazing...!

 

Tsukki truly is amazing. Blocking a spike from that Akaizawa guy, no less...I've actually never seen him block like that. He's really improved in the past few weeks we've all been training. That's just way cool. I'm jealous, so jealous.

 

A smile tugs at my lips, as I stare at my best friend.

 

That's how it's supposed to be. Somehow I missed looking up to him like this. I was worried for a while, but it looks like Tsukki's left me biting the dust again...

 

''-Chi!!''

 

Oh man. What is this? I'm supposed to be through this stage. Being Tsukki's fanboy is behind me now. I put it there. I'm working on myself; getting stronger by myself. That's what important. That's the goal right now! Focus, Yamaguchi! Get your head in the game, son!!

 

''-Guchi!!''

 

Ah, but he's so cool. That face he made at Akaizawa: taunting, smug and self-satisfied, is pure, text-book Tsukki. And it's the coolest thing ever. I wish I could make that face at another player one day. As if...! Right?

 

Oh! Should I say something? I should cheer him on. I used to, all the time. Did I really stop? Why? Since when? Well, that's an issue on its own. For now-

 

''Yamaguchiiiiiiiiiii!!''

 

I jump, finally realizing that Nishinoya has been calling me for the past minute. I couldn't hear him...while I was fawning over Tsukki. I definitely need to get a grip. Soon would be good. I turn towards Karasuno's treasured libero, sheepish smile and all.

 

''S-sorry, I was looking at Tsukki's block.''

 

Nishinoya's eyes are shining, and that puts me at ease.

 

''Wasn't it cool?!''he bellows. ''Tsukishima's finally showing us his real stuff!''

 

I smile.

 

''Yeah.''

 

Nishinoya holds the ball in front of him, clutching it firmly from the top. The move is sudden, and his expression becomes serious. That's right, we were practising together before this. Nishinoya's face is just screaming: _we should take inspiration from Tsukishima and train even harder._ He's determined, just like everyone else in this team. No one wants to be one-upped by the other.

 

...And that includes me.

 

I glance at Tsukki, then back at Nishinoya.

 

''Yeah, let's get back to practise!''

 

***

The representatives playoffs are soon. The days aren't exactly rolling by for me, though. There's still school and individual practise giving me the impression that I'm at a standstill. School because it's hard, and I dread it as much as the next guy, and practise because it's also hard and makes me horribly self-conscious.

 

That time my serve went past Nishinoya feels faraway, even though it hasn't been that long. It was a fluke: he's received it perfectly since then. Well, he's not called Karasuno's ''guardian deity'' for nothing, after all. Still, it's frustrating.

 

Meanwhile, Tsukki is cool as always. He's practising a lot more, and it feels like the gap between us is widening. Not only in skill, but in person too.

 

Ever since that one time I gave him an earful and he called me cool – something I still can't wrap my mind around - we talk less. Tsukki never was a talkative guy, but I never shied away from starting a conversation before. When I did, he would join in, however scarce the reply. Of course, there were also the times we'd tease Hinata, or Kageyama, or whoever together. It might have been rude, but it was a big part of our friendship.

 

Now that I really think about it, that I joined in his mockeries probably stemmed from the fact that I admire him so much . I used to look up to him so much, to the point that I considered myself inferior. So, normally, when he put people down, being able to join him let me bask in the illusion that I was also better than them. Does that even make sense? I don't know. Either way, we don't do that anymore. First, because Tsukki's become less of a jerk, and because I've grown to have more confidence.

 

That's absolutely fantastic, all in all.

 

The fact remains that we talk less. It's like I don't know _how_ to talk to him anymore. We still walk together on the way to and back from school, but it's not the same. I struggle to break the silence, while Tsukki doesn't say a word. He must not realize it as much as me, since he's always kept quiet. It's painfully obvious to me, though. I now understand what the expression _as loud as silence_ means.

 

All that to say that Tsukki and I are drifting apart.

 

Wait.

 

Are we really?

 

As I lie on my bed, eyes on the ceiling, that thought freezes me down to the marrow of my bones. I can't let that happen. Am I really letting it happen? We've always been friends. And so what if I was more of a 'follower' than anything, and it wasn't always the healthiest friendship for me to have? Before Tsukki got all angsty, we shared some great times. And even after!

 

To other people, it might be hard to believe, or even to understand why, but I care about him a lot. He's important to me. He got me this far. I was only hiding in his shadow before, and while that's nothing to be proud of, it still got me here. It got me to the point where I could eventually break away, and that's a good thing in and of itself, right? Again, I don't know. I may just be spouting nonsense.

 

But I can't let go of Tsukki. No way.

 

Alright. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to stop being awkward. I'm just going to talk to him like before. Tsukki's fixed his attitude and I grew a spine! That's great! It doesn't have to get in the way of our friendship! _As a matter of fact_ , it should make it stronger. And overall better.

 

I look at my calender. Tomorrow will be October 8th, second Monday of the month. The playoffs aren't until at least the end of the month, so no one's stressed out of their minds yet. I have time. Time to salvage Tsukki's and my friendship.

 

Since when is it 2 a.m? I stare pitifully at the pile of homework I didn't touch. Tomorrow, I tell myself. Then, I wriggle my way under the sheets and drift off.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 Well, for all my big talk yesterday, I'm sure not putting my money where my mouth is today. It's been five minutes since Tsukki and I crossed paths, yet we haven't exchanged a word save for 'good morning'. For some reason, there's a knot in my throat. It's keeping me from speaking up, and it's adamant on staying right where it is.

 

I fidget, tug absently at my jersey, let my eyes drift everywhere from the ground to the sky...In other words, I become the very image of discomfort and timidity. Tsukki, on the other hand, is walking slightly ahead of me, not a trace of the unease I'm feeling on his face. Makes sense. He has no idea what's going through my head. Something I am endlessly thankful for.

 

I pause to imagine Tsukki with the power to read minds, and gulp. How scary would that be? How embarrassing, too! My thoughts are a mess right now. A big mess centred around Tsukki. He would probably have himself a riot if he just saw a glimpse of how much I antagonize over him. He's not the type to over-think things, or to give others that much of his attention after all.

 

That's not the worst of it. If Tsukki knew about all the times I silently gushed over him, or envied him, North America wouldn't be far enough a place to hide forever.

 

I've been worrying about something that's clearly impossible for the past two minutes. School is drawing ever closer. I am a lost cause.

 

I peek up at Tsukki, a trouble look on my face. Why is it I can't talk to him normally anymore? Is it because I yelled at him that one time? Is it because we've gotten better at volleyball? I don't see how that could affect a friendship. No, our growing skills are just a symptom. The both of us have inherently changed, and that's what's causing this rift.

 

I understand that. I do, but I'm confused at the same time. We haven't changed that much to begin with. Despite what I said yesterday about Tsukki fixing his attitude, he's still a douche, pretty much. Just....not as blatantly as before? Sounds about right. As for me, I grew a bit more confident, but...

 

I'm over-thinking again. If I were to look at this whole situation shallowly, it would seem volleyball was the start of it all. Since volleyball is also a major foundation of our friendship, might as well go with that. We're going to morning practise now, so it makes all the more sense. I take a small breath, and make every effort to stop my voice from shaking as I say:

 

''You've gotten a lot better lately, Tsukki...''

 

He doesn't turn towards me, and I get no reaction other than a quick:

 

''I guess.''

 

My face flares up. Tsukki, you jerk! It took me everything to get that much out, and this is all you give me in return? Why not just crush me with a boulder instead?

 

Alright, alright, so I suffered defeat once. I can't let this get to me. This is classic Tsukki. In many ways, this is better, since this is the Tsukki I know.

 

My next idea is risky. It's something that's been on my mind for a while, but it'll no doubt set Tsukki off. It's been a sensitive topic ever since we were kids. However, now is not the time to back down. It's been a minute already: I need to hurry before the silence reaches the rank of 'awkward'.

 

''I was surprised when I saw you training with your brother...''

 

My voice gets softer with every word until I eventually trail off. Where is the so-called _confidence_ I spoke of earlier?! I see none of it here. Maybe it only applies to volleyball. Either way I notice Tsukki slow down his pace mid-sentence and become unable to continue. I walk while staring at my shoes, thinking of a way to fix my blunder.

 

I knew I shouldn't have mentioned his brother. I knew, and yet here I am, and there he is. Obviously, it's not confidence I developed, it's stupidity. Nonetheless, I can't find anything essentially wrong with what I said. What happened in the past withstanding, Tsukki should be over it now. His brother has gone off to join a college volleyball team, and the two of them are even practising together. Is it really a sensitive subject still?

 

In the midst of my panic, what I don't expect is Tsukki's somewhat subdued reply:

 

''Yeah. I was surprised at myself too.''

 

I blink. Tsukki doesn't often move out of his comfort zone. If he did, it would most likely be unintentionally. It wasn't, evidently, this time around. I'm curious. I'm getting ready to fall in admiration all over again. That being said, he threw me a bone! I can work with this!

 

''Is there a reason you decided to do it?''

 

He turns to me with his _judging you right now_ face and answers:

 

''Asks the one who was going on about pride and this that recently.''

 

''You remember that?''I squeeze out.

 

''What, do you think I'd magically forget about it? It didn't happen that long ago.''

 

''Y-yeah...Sorry about that...''

 

''Why? I already told you what I thought about it.''

 

Cue another wave of embarrassment. He's referring to how he called me cool, although avoiding saying it outright. Which is just fine. I couldn't take being confronted with the memory directly. I couldn't reply when it happened, and Tsukki left for the gym before I could pull myself together.

 

It's flattering, yeah. While I couldn't believe my ears at the time, I was ecstatic thinking about it later that night. _I can't believe Tsukki said that about me~_ and so on and so forth. I'm simple-minded like that. Then again, I was alone; thus free to fuss and fanboy over Tsukki and pat myself on the back all I wanted. Now, with someone else present, and Tsukki no less, I'm much too self-aware.

 

Leave it to Tsukki to see right through me though.

 

''I bet you had yourself a party that night, huh?''

 

My face heating up again, I grimace and throw a flustered glance Tsukki's way. He's smirking, the self-content little--!! My shoulders slump as my protests die down. I at least know his words were sincere that time; he's just messing with me now. It's trademark Tsukki. Like I said earlier, this is the one I know, the one I'm able to deal with. Shame is soon replaced by relief.

 

''I'm just kidding'', he mutters.

 

Huh? What? Did I dream that or...?

 

''Tsukki...?''

 

He keeps quiet. Somewhere during our conversation, we reached the school gym. He enters without a word and I eventually follow him inside.  


	3. Chapter 3

Morning practise came and went quickly, without any incidents. We started with individual training and finished with a match. Then came the time to clean up, which means that most of the guys inched closer to the sidelines and _pretended_ to be useful. Of course, that didn't apply to the captain, Asahi and Sugawara.

 

They were putting the net away while the rest us of watched. Tanaka, Nishinoya and Hinata were ogling the managers as they cleared the equipment. Tsukki was sitting himself against the wall, drinking a bottle of water. That left me playing 'monkey in the middle', awkwardly standing between them and debating which I should join.

 

''Hey! Where's Kageyama?''Hinata's shrill voice perked up suddenly.

 

''Never mind that right now!!''Tanaka demanded. ''Don't you think Kiyoko-san's looking extra nice today?''

 

Hinata kept glancing around for a while, looking for our starting setter, before returning his attention to the girls. I kept hovering near them, catching glimpses of their conversation. Let's just say it wasn't the most educated I'd ever heard. I followed their line of sight, glancing at Yachi and Kiyoko. They were chattering and moving the chairs in the gym. What a show, right?

 

I mean, yeah, our managers are both beautiful girls. They're smart, dependable, and thoughtful too. Despite recognizing that, staring and fantasizing about girls has never been a hobby of mine. My tastes are a little different. Sadly, that means I could never join in the boys' discussion. Pretending to be interested is too hard.

 

Then my decision is made, I guess. I go on over to Tsukki and sit next to him, feeling incredibly self-aware as always. Like, do I stink? The game really made me break a sweat. Or, I don't know, maybe Tsukki was enjoying a moment of peace. I fret, and all the while Tsukki doesn't pay me attention. Until his bottle of water appears in front of my face and he asks:

 

''Thirsty?''

 

I blink. Processing what's going on takes me a moment. Tsukki doesn't like sharing his food. If he does, it's only after he's sure he won't touch it again. For example, when he's done with his fries, he gives them to me. Disdain towards people and their germs; typical Tsukki. In that sense, drinking from the same water bottle would be a capital offence. Yet here we are, and Tsukki's making eye contact with me as he holds out the bottle.

 

''A-are you done with it?''

 

''What, you're not going to drink the whole thing, are you?''

 

''No!''

 

''So just take some if you're thirsty.''

 

I blink again, before hesitantly reaching for the offering.

 

''Thanks, Tsukki...''

 

He doesn't reply, and I eventually take a few sips. I feel hyper self-conscious all over again and barely let my lips touch the mouth. The water feels relieving, but I feel more tormented than anything right now. Something's wrong with Tsukki. Or with me. Or both.

 

My worries die down as I hand Tsukki back his bottle. It's not _that_ unbelievable, is it? Anyway, I should be happy. It feels like he and I are back to being friends. The only fly in the lotion is me and my insecurities. I established yesterday – and this morning – that over-thinking was my worst enemy. Since Tsukki clearly doesn't share my concerns, I just need to act natural in order to get along with him. Like before.

 

This time, my thoughts are completely silenced as Tsukki takes a sip, and a booming chorus of voices shout next to us:

 

''OoOOoooooooooh!!''

 

''Indirect kisssssssss'', Hinata cries.

 

''Ah, the grade-schooler has spoken'', Tsukki declares.

 

''Gra--?? What'd ya say, punk?!''

 

''I'm not the one who still considers 'indirect kisses' a thing.''

 

''Can't blame the guy, can ya!''Tanaka laughs. ''You two looked so serious over sharing a little water!''

 

''Yeah, yeah!!''Nishinoya chimes in. ''Like two people hiding a crush!''

 

''I'm surrounded by idiots...'', Tsukki mumbles as Hinata tearfully thanks his upperclassmen.

 

Meanwhile, I haven't said a word. Nope. No, because I am gone. Currently, I'm staring off into nowhere, detached from reality. Hands in my lap, face haggard and mouth slightly open. The words just exchanged ring in my ears.

 

Indirect kiss. Crush.

 

Calm down. The guys were just being stupid. It's their department. Hinata, all we all know, is even more immature than the rest. Wait, I'm not able to extrapolate my thoughts into reality quite yet. I'm still stuck within the confines of my own mind. First, I need to work through the embarrassment, then I need to discard everything I heard, and finally I need to go on about my business like nothing happened. This might take a while.

 

Only I can't let it take a while. It'll show, and that would look weird. I manage to cough – and it doesn't sound too much like choking – and bring trembling fingers to my neck. As I pretend to scratch myself, I say:

 

''Really, you guys, how old are you?''

 

''Geh! Even Yamaguchi's making fun of us!''Tanaka exclaims, putting his arms in front of him to ward off an invisible attack.

 

''I guess we were wrong'', Nishinoya says with a shrug. ''They're not in love.''

 

Cue _tired-of-your-bullshit_ Tsukki throwing his now empty bottle at Nishinoya while the second year cackles and ducks to avoid it. I'm frozen again, but I manage to snap out of it faster this time. The guys have had their laughs and forgotten all about us. They've returned to staring at the girls. Silence has once again settled between Tsukki and I.

 

I can't help it: I peek sideways at him. There's a very slight frown on his face, but nothing more. The incident doesn't seem to have affected him that much. Only I am that sensitive. I sigh, dejected. Tsukki seems to mistake it for exasperation and says:

 

''Yep, those are our teammates.''

 

''H-huh? Oh, yeah...Well, they can be funny sometimes...They're not so bad.''

 

Tsukki doesn't say anything, so I kinda just add:

 

''Even you're starting to work with them more, right?''

 

When did I muster up the courage to say that? Certainly not in the past few seconds. I've been too busy dealing with my own unstable mental state. Nevertheless, I've gone and said it. I endure the tense silence and Tsukki's glare, until his expression softens. The strain leaves my shoulders instantly.

 

''I'm not going to get any better if I don't'', Tsukki answered.

 

That's when Daichi's voice echoes across the gym:

 

''Alright, everyone, it's a wrap! Homeroom's starting soon, so head out!''

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

The rest of the school day was thankfully uneventful. I was distracted throughout my classes and got called out a few times for it, but otherwise nothing happened. The day lazily rolled by, along with after-school practise. We stayed until early evening, just when the sun began to stretch over the horizon. Then, just as we finished cleaning and prepared to leave, Hinata exclaimed:

 

''Let's all go somewhere!!''

 

Along with the others, I turned to look at him.

 

''A-aren't you tired at all, Hinata?''Sugawara asked.

 

''Not at all! So let's go eat somewhere!''

 

''Oho~ Your treat?''Tanaka grinned.

 

''Ack--!! S-shouldn't the upperclassmen do that?''

 

''Oi oi! Don't get ahead of yourself, cheeky brat!''

 

Tanaka grabbed the aspiring ace by the shoulders and roughly tussled his hair. When released, Hinata nearly toppled to the ground. After a laugh, for good measure, our captain suggested we go buy meat buns if Hinata really wanted the team to hang out together. Of course, the little guy was overjoyed with the idea. Even Tsukki, albeit reluctantly, agreed to tag along. That must have been, what, the third time he surprised me today?

 

Since everyone including Tsukki decided to go, I followed as well. My house was a bit of a ways away, but I wouldn't miss out on a chance to spend time with my team. I glanced at Tsukki. Nothing out of the ordinary in his expression, if only a trace of fatigue. There's also the fact that I'm not quite done with him yet. I don't feel like I've completely closed the distance between us. Or at least, I have an uneasy feeling left in my stomach.

 

We leave the gym and the first thing that hits me is the cool, October air. The sky above us is showing hints of orange and pink, darkness beginning to engulf it. I clutch my jersey snug against my chest, trying to muster up heat. I get cold easily and – I catch a glance at him – so does Tsukki. Hence his preference for long-sleeved shirts. He can tell by looking at him now; he's cold too. I can't help a smile. He must be ruminating quietly about coming along.

 

''Uuooaaahh!! Meat buns!!''

 

''Guh! Don't drool, dumbass-Hinata!''

 

Kageyama and Hinata go into their usual 'old-couple-bickering' routine, bringing liveliness to our little group. Nishinoya and Asahi seem to be sharing a moment as well. The other third-years watch over us, stopping our youngest members from killing each other. Juggling my meat bun from hand to hand, I wait for it to cool. The smell from it is enough to warm me up to the core. Daichi-san's such a good guy for treating us!

 

''You guys worked hard today'', Daichi encouraged. ''We're well on our way to the playoffs.''

 

''Course we are!''

 

Yeah...Hopefully this time I can be useful. I really hope I get a chance to redeem myself for my mistake last time. Ah, though getting to the point where the team needs a pinch serve would be bad. So I'm either a screw-up or self-centred, huh? I don't know which sounds worse. Well, the flow of the game isn't in my hands when I'm not on the court, so for now I'm neither. I allow myself that peace of mind. It's still too early to feel this much pressure.

 

Half an hour later, the team breaks into separate groups heading home. I bid goodbye to the rest before catching up to Tsukki, who already started walking. I fall in line next to him, adjusting to his pace. It's completely dark out now, and the first words Tsukki utters are:

 

''It's already this late...what a pain.''

 

''Yeah, and I've still got studying to do at home.''

 

''Heeh, have you been letting yourself fall behind?''

 

My cheeks warm at his teasing. He's wearing that darn smirk again! That jerk has no idea that the time I could have spent studying yesterday, I instead spent worrying about him. There's no way I'm ever telling him that though. He would never let me live it down. Besides that, I'm actually happy. His making fun of me was always a bit frustrating but...right now, I'm so happy. It feels like the old Tsukki's back.

 

I'm a total sap. Yeah.

 

I do feel a lot better than yesterday, though. That's just how it is.

 

As lame as it sounds.

 

''Hey, I'm not Hinata. I don't lose focus that easily.''

 

Good, that pulled another smirk out of him. A softer smirk; not the condescending one. As his follower, it wasn't often I could actually entertain Tsukki, but I managed to do it sometimes. It still feels great, like a big achievement. I'm a simple-minded guy, aren't I? I really haven't changed that much. No matter how I will myself to stop being Tsukki's 'sidekick', I can't help but be affected by the smallest things when it comes to him.

 

The wind rises and I fail to stifle another shiver.

 

''This year's October is pretty brutal...'', I breathe out.

 

''Yeah.''

 

Ah, the condescending smirk's back. Donning it, Tsukki adds:

 

''Need me to lend you my jacket?''

 

Thank you, that sounds rather swell. I seriously wouldn't mind the extra warmth, but Tsukki's playing me for a softie right now. Quick! This guy can _smell_ weakness!

 

''Thanks, Tsukki, but I can see that you're freezing too. So you can keep your jacket.''

 

Tsukki frowns and it's surprisingly endearing. I never noticed before, but he's really easy to handle in truth. Mind you, he probably wouldn't have left a remark like that go before. Or would he? I was rarely bold enough to try. No, I think Tsukki's truly changing for the better, slowly but surely. It still worries me, in the way that change does to everyone, but it's a good thing after all. Our friendship feels a lot healthier now. It reminds me of when we were younger. When Tsukki hadn't suffered what I call his 'Great Disappointment'. Before he closed up and all but completely shut me out.

 

This is definitely better. An easy smile comes to rest on my lips. It's cold, but I feel inexplicably warm. Today feels like a success. I feel like I've dispelled the awkwardness between Tsukki and I forevermore! Yep, I'm feeling optimistic for once. I don't even care that I have a pile of work waiting for me at home. I'll take it head on!

 

''What's with the stupid-looking smile?''

 

''H-huh?!''

 

Tsukki cocks an eyebrow, looking at me suspiciously. Was I really still smiling into nowhere? I palm at my cheek, saying sheepishly:

 

''Sorry, Tsukki. I was just thinking about stuff.''

 

He doesn't ask, which is very like him. Tsukki isn't curious or persevering enough by nature to pry when someone's bent on keeping secrets. That's a lucky break for me. Then again, would telling him be so bad? I'm happy that we're getting along again and--ah, no, that kind of sentimental dribble won't appeal to Tsukki at all. Better play it cool, after all. I make sure to maintain a straight face for the remainder of our walk home.

 

We reach a fork in the road, where we're meant to split ways. I notice Tsukki linger, when usually he would just give me a wave and be on his way. I slowly come to a stop and look at him as if I'm about to say something. Except I don't. I just wait, a somewhat anxious look on my face.

 

''Yamaguchi.''

 

I perk up and will myself not to stutter.

 

''Yeah?''

 

''I don't have much further to walk. Take this.''

 

Without further explanation, he takes off his jersey and throws it my way. Startled, I barely manage to catch it before it tumbles to the ground. I look up at Tsukki and blink about five times. I don't know what kind of face I'm making. It probably looks somewhere between surprised and confused. Meanwhile, Tsukki looks as impassive as always. He clicks his tongue and knits his brows after a minute of my staring.

 

''What? Just say thanks like a normal person.''

 

''Thanks...'', I say slowly.

 

He shrugs, turns around and walks off. I remain standing there for a while, frozen as if I've just seen a ghost. Tsukki's long gone by the time I look down at the jacket, still bunched up in my hand. I blink again.

 

That was...a kind gesture. A free, kind gesture.

 

I know I said we're both changing. I know I've said it's a good thing that we are. But this...this?! This Tsukki isn't just 'different', he's _possessed_!!

 

All jokes aside, I'm honestly shocked. Tsukki's changed more drastically than I thought. I'll have to keep an eye on him. He could be ill. Rude, I can't help thinking. But what am I supposed to think?!

 

Anyway. For now, I'll just be thankful. It's frigid outside. I slip into Tsukki's jacket, a bit hesitantly. I feel like I'm...overstepping my boundaries? Like I'm doing something forbidden. I don't know. I'm not used to getting any gifts from Tsukki. It feels more like I stole his jacket. Nonetheless, I get around to putting it on and tug the collar forward. It would normally be a bit oversized, but seeing as I've got my own layers underneath, it fits perfectly.

 

I let out a sigh as a gentle warmth envelops me. This is so much better. I could shed tears as I stare at the distance and thank my friend from the bottom of my heart. It's definitely a bit odd, but I could get used to an occasionally amiable Tsukki.

 

I'm still more inclined to think he's sick, though.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Upon arriving home, I'm still somewhat concerned about Tsukki. Fortunately, the smell of food from the kitchen is quick to make me forget all about it. It seems my mother left something to simmer for me, even though it's past supper. I silently thank her and go up to my room. By that time, it's gotten rather stuffy inside Tsukki's jacket so I peel it off carefully. I stay staring at it for a minute before deciding I should wash it. It's the only right thing to do.

 

I change into something more comfortable and bring the jacket along with my own dirty clothes downstairs. I toss everything in the washer, clumsily putting whatever amount of soap I think will suffice. I select 'regular wash' and pray that it'll turn out alright. Since my family's gone to bed already, I get the privilege of eating alone and reflecting on every little thing, however insignificant. I continue in this fashion through the bath, with a slight pause whilst I study, and then when I turn in.

 

Because who doesn't reflect on life while they eat, bathe and try to sleep? All, incidentally, things meant to be enjoyable.

 

Ah! I have to put the clothes in the dryer. I scramble out of bed and shove everything from the washing machine to the dryer. It's a good thing I thought of Tsukki just earlier. I shuffle back to bed, glancing at the alarm clock. It's past midnight. I flop onto my bed, rolling over to stare at the ceiling. I start to over-analyze a few things, but as it turns out I really am exhausted. My eyes get prickly and it doesn't take more than a minute after I've realized that for me to fall asleep.

 

***

Practise the next morning is harsh, along with homeroom. Only by lunch do I awaken fully, looking around me and realizing that the class is a lot emptier than it should be. I rummage in my bag for my lunch, setting it on the desk with a big, lazy yawn. It's surprising that no one noticed me sleeping during class, or that they didn't wake me up if they did. Well, I guess there are some perks to not standing out too much.

 

Speaking of standing out, where's Tsukki? It took me a while, but I finally realize he's nowhere to be seen. I fidget a little. Do I wait for him? We always eat lunch together. Ah, but Tsukki's the type who would smirk and go ''you didn't have to wait''. Tsukki's nasty personality aside, I don't like eating without him. I call out to one of the students left in the class and ask if they've seen where he went. The student makes a grimace, crossing his arms and grumbling:

 

''A girl came to see him, and they left together.''

 

''Looked like a confession to me'', his friend adds, looking less depressed.

 

''What is it with that jerk Tsukishima?!'', the first one whines.

 

''Don't call him a jerk'', I pout. ''It's not his fault he's popular.''

 

''Yeah, yeah!''a girl joins in. ''Tsukishima's tall, and he's got good looks. You guys are just jealous~''

 

''You stay out of this, Miyazawa!''

 

While they start bickering, my thoughts wander. This must be the third – or maybe fourth - confession Tsukki's received since the school year began. He's systematically turned them down - without mincing his words at all, clearly – but the fact still stands. I've been growing more and more concerned with this trend, as a matter of fact. I know he's popular. I know that a lot of girls like him. That doesn't really bother me, but I am jealous at the attention he gets sometimes.

 

Tsukki's handsome; I've always thought so. His insecurities don't show to other people, so he appears confident. Confidence is attractive in anyone. Tsukki also has the aloof attitude that makes girls go crazy thanks to whatever shows they watch and fantasies they cook up. Although I really can't blame them for that. My first meeting with Tsukki was like a scene straight out of a manga. Nothing's impossible when it comes to him.

 

As for me, well, I don't have a fraction of Tsukki's appeal. My skin cleared up since middle school, something I am endlessly thankful for, but that's about it. Again, it has nothing to do with attracting girls. It's a confidence thing. I've got very little to speak of, and having Tsukki to compare myself to often makes it a lot worse.

 

No! I can't think like this anymore! I uh, I have my own charm! I can be just as cool as Tsukki! Wait, no. That's also a mindset I'm trying to get rid of. I can as cool as Tsukki _in my own unique way._ There. That's much better.

 

I stare at my lunch. After all this, I'm not feeling hungry in the slightest. The thought of Tsukki getting confessed to won't leave my mind. I know he'll reject her. He always does. Nonetheless, I worry and fidget before caving and putting my lunch away. I have to go make sure. With that in mind, I leave the class in a hurry, earning curious glances from the students.

 

When you think confession, it has to be behind the school building. Once outside, I start running. As I come to a halt around the corner, I see that Hinata and Kageyama are also there. Kageyama is buying something at the vending machine while Hinata begs for a juice. I didn't expect anyone to be here. The courtyard is just around the corner, didn't they notice anything?! I have no choice: I get closer to them. Kageyama waves Hinata away, yelling:

 

''God fucking dammit, alright! I'll buy you one, so stop complaining!''

 

Loud!! They're way too loud! I mentally panic and run up to them. Upon seeing me, Hinata visibly flinches. However – once again quite visibly – appears to relax once he realizes that Tsukki isn't with me. Kageyama gives me a stare before buying Hinata's drink.

 

''What's up, Yamaguchi?''Hinata says brightly.

 

Ah. Wait. I should be careful not to expose Tsukki.

 

''Oh uh, I'm just here to buy something. You guys are pretty loud, you know?''I add, and my voice is only quivering a teensy bit.

 

''But we're outside, so it's fine!''

 

''Ah...can't argue with that.''

 

I'm too distracted, and a bit too obvious. Hinata follows my line of sight to the courtyard. I don't even notice, and before I know it he's twisting around the corner, peeking behind the school building. Fast! Way too fast! With a huff, Kageyama joins in, taking a look as well. Realizing my fatal error, I hope with all my might that Tsukki's not there anymore. Or that the girl went somewhere else to confess. My hopes are crushed when Hinata gasps and nearly screams:

 

''Tsukishima's getting a confession?!?''

 

''Shhhh!!''I beg, almost crying. ''Don't let him hear you!''

 

Kageyama smacks him behind the head.

 

''Yeah, idiot-Hinata. Why do you care anyway?''

 

''Ow! I-I don't care at all!''

 

''Better not'', Kageyama grumbles.

 

The two fall quiet, looking at each other in a way that seriously makes me feel like a third wheel. My gaze drifts from one to the other. What's up with them? Hinata makes some kind of grimace and the two of them quickly look away and the truth hits me like a ton of bricks. Those two are so plainly into each other it's funny. Funny that no one has realized it yet. Suddenly, it's like they remember I'm standing here and Hinata sputters:

 

''A-anyway. Why're you spying on Tsukishima?''

 

''Y-you're the one spying! I didn't even look!''

 

''You were about to!''

 

''No, I wasn't!''

 

Ah. We're acting like children. Tsukki would get a headache just watching us.

 

''What are you three doing here?''

 

Speak of the devil.

 


	6. Chapter 6

 ''T-Tsukki?!''

 

The fear when I had to pinch serve was nothing compared to the fear currently lodged in my stomach. While Hinata and I were arguing, Tsukki had apparently finished off with the girl and caught us red-handed standing here. I turn white as a sheet facing him, whereas Hinata clings to an annoyed-looking Kageyama and glares his head off. Tsukki just stares at us in succession like the whole situation is boring him.

 

''We're just talking!! What's it to you?!''Hinata asks back.

 

With a shrug, Tsukki answers:

 

''Really? Whatever then. Yamaguchi, I'll be in the classroom.''

 

I'm pulled back to reality, and somehow I manage to nod. Classroom, yes, lunch, that's right. I was going to fetch him so we could eat lunch together earlier. Then I ran into these two and, unsurprisingly, trouble ensued. Luckily it seems that we avoided a crisis; mostly thanks to Tsukki's low susceptibility. He leaves ahead of me after I answer him, and I'm left with Hinata and Kageyama once again. The shortest among us breathes out loudly and sighs:

 

''Man...how can he be so calm after what happened?''

 

Kageyama makes a face like he doesn't follow at all and asks what the hell Hinata is talking about. To which Hinata gets impatient and exclaims:

 

''The confession! Tsukishima looked pretty unaffected for someone who just--Hey, wait, did he accept or reject her?''

 

''He had to reject her, right?''Kageyama mumbles. ''Or they would at least still be together.''

 

''Makes sense...'', Hinata hums as he considers the idea. ''Well, I'm not surprised! That guy doesn't look capable of having those feelings for someone!''

 

I frown at his words. That can't be true. Tsukki might be poor at expressing his feelings, but it doesn't mean he doesn't have any. As for romantic feelings, he should be able to have them just as anyone interested in love. That being said, given the times Tsukki's rejected a girl, he must either be not interested in them or generally not looking for a relationship. I'm in the middle of debating which is true when Hinata snaps his fingers in front of my face.

 

''Oiiii, Yamaguchi! Still with us?''

 

''O-oh, yeah. Sorry. I was just wondering...about Tsukki...''

 

I trail off, and Hinata just tilts his head looking at me, a big question mark plastered across his face. I know I shouldn't talk about this with someone else, but I can't help wanting to share my thoughts. I ignore the _just-leave-the-two-of-us-alone_ look Kageyama is shooting me, and start:

 

''He's been confessed to lots of times, and he always said no. Tsukki's never talked to me about girls either..., like, wanting a girlfriend or...I mean, I know there's nothing wrong with that. I guess I'm just curious to know if Tsukki's...interested in finding love at all.''

 

''You guys never talked about that?''

 

I shake my head, feeling a bit embarrassed. After all, that's a subject two best friends would normally go into, right? I feel like an odd case. Hinata doesn't even blink and instead asks:

 

''What about you, did you ever talk to him about your crushes or something?''

 

Again, I shake my head, this time with an uncomfortable grimace stretching my lips. Hinata crosses his arms, frowning as if he's deep in thought. Kageyama yawns next to him, looking like he's given up on having his lunch in peace. I squirm in my spot, suddenly not so certain why I got started on this subject in the first place. This is awkward for two reasons: one, we shouldn't be discussing Tsukki's privacy, and two, I'm not so keen on spilling everything there is to know about me either. At least, not like this. I mean, this is a conversation we're having next to the school vending machine and it all feels a little silly.

 

''You two should get on that'', Hinata finally declared. ''It's what best friends should do.''

 

Though I think best friends should do whatever they feel like, I find myself agreeing with him. It's been a long time coming after all; I feel like I should look more into this side of Tsukki. I've always been curious, but I never dared to ask. However, now that we're both growing and our friendship is strengthening, I feel it's only natural that we dig into matters we never touched before. Or maybe I'm just letting Hinata rile me up. He's got a lot of influence for someone that small.

 

''You're right...'', I say slowly.

 

Hinata blinks, eyes wide.

 

''Wha-? You're actually going to listen to me? I was just saying what came to mind! You should just keep doing whatever works for you!''

 

''No, you're right'', Kageyama states, glancing down at him.

 

''Y-you mean that, Kageyama? Wait, that's not at all like you!''

 

Hinata throws his arm in front of him, jumping back.

 

''An imposter?!''

 

Kageyama's eyebrow twitches as he reigns in an outburst. I'm forced to watch their spectacle again, and I'm reminded of earlier, when I noticed the tension between them. They're definitely closer than they appear. Earlier I said that they were clearly into each other, but while it doesn't have to be that, there's definitely something going on between them. Part of me wants to investigate, but knowing that Tsukki's waiting for me changes my mind quickly.

 

''Well, thanks for the advice. See ya!''

 

I leave quietly while Kageyama and Hinata keep fighting.

 

***

I dash back to the classroom – a teacher stops me about three times on the way there – and spot Tsukki. He's looking out the window, his lunch lying scarcely touched in front of him. I head up to my desk, grab my lunch and go to take a seat next to him. With everything that's happened, there must be little time left. It should be enough to initiate a conversation. Moreover, I really feel like we should have it now, while I still have the guts.

 

Here we go. Start out slow.

 

''Another confession?''

 

''Yeah'', Tsukki answers in a yawn.

 

''You don't look fazed at all. Guess it's normal after the third time.''

 

''I guess.''

 

He seems to wait a moment, then adds:

 

''And it's the fourth time.''

 

''You're counting?!''

 

He just gives off a smirk before picking at his food. I slump back in my chair, letting out a sigh. Tsukki can be so sly sometimes. I doubt he actually counted, though; he just has good memory. Still, to say it like that, as if he's bragging? Stop acting so cool! Otherwise I'll start envying you and wanting to be like you all over again! I'm not even completely over that phase yet, and I get the feeling it'll be much harder than I originally thought.

 

I got distracted there for a moment. I feel the last hints of courage fleeing me, so I decide to speed things up.

 

''Tsukki, why did you reject all those girls?''

 

Tsukki turns his head to look and me, and I freeze. Was it really a good idea to ask that? Maybe it annoys him that I'm not minding my own business. I should take back my question. I really should, but I don't. At this point, I'm too curious. If he doesn't want to answer, he'll say so himself, right? In that case, there's no problem. At the very least, I want to be able to ask him things like this. We're friends, after all.

 

He turns away again, resting his chin on his hand leisurely.

 

''I'm not interested.''

 

I bite the inside of my lips out of frustration. That can mean so many things! Why aren't you interested? Do you not have the time? Do you not want to bother going on dates – ah, that one sounds about right - ? Are you just shy?? No, I doubt that one. Well, what is it, then? I think up a myriad of possibilities, but the first one that somehow escapes my mouth is:

 

''Is there someone you like already?''

 

It sounds ridiculous just asking, so I spend the next minute wondering why I did. Meanwhile, Tsukki falls quiet and turns to look out the window. It looks like he won't even bother answering. Well, the answer's obvious enough. I'm frantically thinking of something to say to change the subject and lighten the mood, when suddenly he says:

 

''Yeah, there is.''


	7. Chapter 7

 Yeah, there is. There is, there is, there is...

 

The words echo in my mind even now, hours later, as I lie in my bed. School bag opened on the floor, but homework untouched.. I've discarded everything else in favour of moping around all evening long. It's not that I didn't try occupying myself somehow, but that no matter how hard I tried I ended up distracted. I lost track of what I was doing as my mind inexorably went back to this afternoon. Eventually, I gave up and dedicated the rest of my day to mulling my thoughts.

 

So, Tsukki likes someone. I must admit I was shocked when he first told me. It's the last thing I could have expected. Naturally, when he told me, I took a long time to react. Tsukki had just continued to eat like nothing happened, so it wasn't awkward per se. In other words, my sudden silence and lack of any recognizable expression went relatively unnoticed. I say recognizable because surely my face showed _something_. I just don't know _what_.

 

If there is one thing I know, is that the first feeling that instinctively rushed to my head was not positive. I can only be vague on this one, since again I can't tell exactly what it was. Sadness, anger, those are easy to determine. What I felt was just wrong. Like on those days where you just don't know what's what, why you're doing what you're doing and you just kinda want to get out of your skin. I think that's the best way I can describe it.

 

Either way, it took me a while, but I replied with: ''oh, who is it''. I tried sounding as casual as possible and I must have succeeded. Tsukki just shrugged and said he didn't have to tell me. I attempted to drag it out of him, but with my meagre persuasive skills, it was no use. Tsukki just gave me a look like he was mildly amused and dropped the subject entirely. I decided to do the same, since by then I was starting to be seriously unnerved by the unknown feeling in my gut.

 

I roll over. What in the world came over me anyway? Jealousy? I did entertain the idea. Tsukki's my best friend; thus, it's natural to feel possessive over him, isn't it? Some people who get into new relationships tend to abandon everything and everyone aside from their significant other. I'd be losing my friend if he were to get into a couple. In that sense, jealousy fits the bill. Jealousy's an awful thing, and that's all the more reason why it could be the ugly feeling I described earlier.

 

Is it really jealousy then? If it is, that's pretty immature of me. We're not in grade school anymore, where there was such a thing as 'stealing a best friend'. Besides, no one entirely forgets their friends when they enter a relationship. Tsukki, especially, doesn't seem like the type who would devote himself to his girlfriend. That's mainly because he doesn't get caught up in things, though.

 

Ah, I've made myself curious. What would Tsukki be like in a relationship? I never thought about it before, but here I am now. I could hardly imagine the old Tsukki dating. He would probably see no point to it. ''Why do it, for the sole purpose of saying you dated when you were young?'', he would probably say something like that. The Tsukki now is learning to enjoy things for what they are, to enjoy a _moment_ for what it is, thought, and he might view relationships differently. No, wait, clearly he does.

 

Half my face is now buried in the pillow. Why am thinking about this so much? The bottom line is that I should be happy for Tsukki. As his friend, I should support him and his decisions. If he likes someone, and he tries to date them, then I should just encourage him regardless of the outcome. That's the right thing to do. Having come to this conclusion, I start feeling better. Also very tired, but better. Tomorrow, I'll let Tsukki know I'm behind him a hundred percent. Since my reaction was pitiable this morning.

 

Slowly, I let sleep take over me.

 

***

The next day starts out with practise as usual. My head is still full of last night's thoughts. I keep glancing at Tsukki, telling myself that I'll talk to him after practise. I have to give him my support; it's what I concluded yesterday. My distraction earns me a serve in the face and an outburst of laughter from the team. I blink and turn red while Hinata yells at me that he understands my pain. Cue the rest of the guys laughing again.

 

When practise ends and all of us are huddled in the club room to change, Tsukki flashes a mocking grin and asks me:

 

''How's the face?''

 

I take a moment to remember what he's referring to, then grimace and turn my head away in embarrassment. At least, he doesn't ask me what could've been on my mind to distract me that much. He'll know soon enough anyway. I take my time changing, waiting for the room to clear out. Finally, everyone's gone, leaving only Tsukki and I. Now that it's come to this, I feel nervous. Tsukki heads towards the door and turns to me expectantly.

 

''Are you ready?''

 

No, but here I go.

 

''Wait, Tsukki...About what you told me yesterday...''

 

Tsukki looks surprised for a moment, before a frown appears on his face.

 

''This again? I'm not telling you who it is.''

 

''That's not it. I just want to let you know that, uh--''

 

Wait. Now that I think about it; what am I supposed to say? 'I'm rooting for you?' We're not in a manga here. That sort of line would only make Tsukki laugh. I said I'd support him, but is that even supposed to mean? He doesn't need my help or my approval. I'm losing confidence fast, and Tsukki is giving me a look of mild boredom. The words tumble pathetically out of my mouth:

 

''I-I'm rooting for you...!''

 

After all this, that's what I say to him. Amazing. I stand there awkwardly, eyes locked with Tsukki's. His mouth is sealed shut, and I can't recognize the expression on his face. Somehow, his eyes look darker. All I can tell is that, despite my prediction, this Tsukki isn't laughing. Finally, he turns to the door, reaching out for the knob. Over his shoulder, he says:

 

''Yeah, thanks.''

 

I pretend I'm oblivious to the thick atmosphere around us, and ask:

 

''So are you going to confess?''

 

''No.''

 

''Why not?''

 

Tsukki pauses, and this time there's an amused undertone to his voice.

 

''It's too early.''

 

For some reason, he turns towards me again and looks deep into my eyes. We're standing a fair length apart, so it doesn't feel as intense as it should, but I still clam up, swallowing my saliva.

 

''There's still too much distance between us.''

 

Tsukki looks away pensively and adds:

 

''I have to do something about that first.''

 

With that, he leaves the club room. I stare after him, confused and unresponsive. So, he means to say he's going to court this person? _Court_ , huh? How princely. It basically means, like, complimenting the person and giving them gifts and stuff like that, right? I can hardly imagine Tsukki doing that kind of thing. Ah, if he did that thing! When he lent me his jacket! That's definitely something to do when trying to please someone.

 

A silly smile spreads on my face. I make it sound like Tsukki was courting _me._ How foolish.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is why my tumblr url used to be 'cheesyyams'. brace urselves

 Days have passed since Tsukki and I have had that conversation in the club room. I'm waking up on the morning of Sunday the 14th, early enough to take it easy. It's freezing in my room, so I scoot lower beneath the covers, clutching them at my chin. I have about ten minutes to spare like this until I have to get ready for practise. There's no school today, so we're borrowing the gym. I'm tired, but otherwise looking forward to it.

 

Be that as it may, practise is far from the main thing on my mind at the moment. Many events have occurred in the past few days to warrant my concern, and they all revolve around Tsukki. Now I know what most of you are thinking, but you're wrong. The problem is that Tsukki's been acting really odd lately, ever since the aforementioned conversation. Truthfully, I'm starting to become concerned about him.

 

First, let me explain. We had said conversation on Wednesday, and starting then, Tsukki began acting completely out of character. For example, he waited for me when time came to walk somewhere instead of leaving without me like he usual does. He was kinder as well, greeting me and asking me how I was or if I slept well. That may not seem like much, but believe me, it is! It's little things like these that make a huge difference in a person and I, for one, have taken notice of it.

 

It doesn't stop there, though. Oh no. I wouldn't be in such a state of panic if that was it. If little, casual changes to his behaviour weren't enough, Tsukki's actions have also turned erratic. Erratic! Last Thursday I twisted my ankle during practise, attempting to receive a difficult chance ball, and Tsukki supported me all the way to the school infirmary. The Tsukki I know would never go to such lengths for me, or anyone for that matter.

 

Then, after morning classes on Saturday, he actually _agreed_ when I asked for help on homework. He came over and explained everything I didn't understand without losing his patience. I mean, he's helped me with homework before, but it always seemed like a chore to him. This Tsukki was helping me out of the kindness in his heart. I'm getting teary-eyed thinking about it now!

 

Oh, but he did get irritated at one point. I was taking a long time to solve a problem, so he flicked my hand away and leaned over me to write the answer down. It surprised me at the time, but what shocked me the most was how he looked away and mumbled a quick 'sorry' afterwards. He probably thought it annoyed me how he took over. It didn't, so I thought it was weird that he apologized. It made me needlessly fidgety.

 

The same day, we went to eat before going to my house. I forgot my wallet, so Tsukki bought me fries! Again, it might not seem like a big deal, but it's too unusual to overlook. I might just be a simpleton, I might just be really sensitive, yet...It's undeniable that something's up with Tsukishima. The question I should be asking myself now is what could possibly be causing it. Is he dying? Has he joined a new religion? Is he practising how to charm his love interest with me?

 

Oh, wow. That sounds incredibly stupid, even coming from me. Nevertheless, there is something wrong with Tsukki. I need to find out what, in case he's really in trouble and needs help. Since I'm aware I may be overreacting; I need one more proof. Just one more. Then I'll be convinced that Tsukki's in for a serious talk. He'll be at practise today, so I'm certain I'll get my proof then.

 

***

Nothing out of the ordinary happened during practise, even though I stayed alert the entire time. By the end of it, I was more tired from keeping an eye on Tsukki than I was from volleyball. I was glad to be finished, and hurriedly changed so I could go home and get some rest. I still waited outside for Tsukki, and as I did, I was met by Hinata and Kageyama. Hinata spots me and waves. They pass by me and I ask:

 

''Leaving together?''

 

''Yeah'', he answers, something mischievous about his smile. ''You're waiting for Tsukishima?''

 

I nod. Hinata seems to think about something, and he turns to look at Kageyama. The tallest among us shakes his head at him, bringing a pout on Hinata's face. I tilt my head, wondering what the heck is going on between them. Are they hiding something from me? It looks like Hinata just asked permission to tell me something, only to be turned down. Instead, he turns towards me with an innocent look. Kageyama watches him carefully, as if making sure he doesn't blurt out anything stupid.

 

''He's been acting a bit off, huh? That Tsukishima.''

 

''You noticed too?''I ask, honestly surprised.

 

''Yeah, well, he made very few wisecracks at me lately. He seems distracted, too.''

 

I can't hide the concern on my face. So they noticed too...I really have to talk to Tsukki. It has to be related to the girl he likes. Maybe things aren't going well. Maybe this overly-nice Tsukki is just heartbroken Tsukki! Sadness washes over my face. I don't want that! Just imagining Tsukki in that much pain breaks _my_ heart. I'm still spacing out about it when Hinata suddenly asks:

 

''Yamaguchi, do you like someone right now?''

 

Kageyama slaps the back of his head, making him flinch. Hinata looks up at him, flustered and outraged.

 

''What the Hell, Bakageyama!''

 

''Wh-!! Don't call me that! And stop butting in other people's business!''

 

''I'm just asking one little question! It's not the end of the world; we're in high school now!''

 

Kageyama glares at him with a passion while Hinata turns to me again. I'm a bit dazed, still shocked by Hinata's question. He's right, it's not a big deal, but talk about out of the blue! Are we all in that kind of mood, ever since Tsukki started his crush? Just as the thought crosses my mind, I see Tsukki walking towards us. It seems he's finished changing. I forget that my answer is still pending, waving for Tsukki to see us.

 

''Tsukki!''

 

I don't notice the look Hinata and Kageyama exchange. When Tsukki joins us, Hinata pats him on the arm and says:

 

''Good luck.''

 

We watch the two of them leave, me confused and Tsukki looking a bit annoyed. I get this feeling like I'm out of the loop and it's a little creepy because since when are those three so chummy as to leave me out? I shake my head. Best not to think about it too much. There are a lot of pieces I'm missing to this puzzle, which is why I have to confront Tsukki once and for all. He gives me a stern look and asks me what the oddball duo was just talking about. I very poorly assure him that it's nothing and we start walking.

 

As we walk, I'm unable to speak. I'm mentally ordering myself to, but I can't. I don't know how to tackle the subject. I can't flat out tell him that I think he's been acting weird. That would be rude! Furthermore, despite what the guys said – that they noticed his acting strange too – I haven't gotten the proof I wanted. I told myself I needed one more. I'm using that more as an excuse than anything now, but no matter. I said I'd wait. In the meantime, this walk is getting to be awkward. I can't even think of a normal conversation.

 

Like that, we reach the fork in the road. I failed. I guess this is it for today. There wasn't anything that peculiar about Tsukki's behaviour this morning, so I suppose I can rest easy for now. I feel uneasy, but there's nothing I can do at this point. Just as I turn to bid Tsukki goodbye, he keeps walking in the direction of my house. What. He pauses when I don't follow. His hands are in his pockets and he looked as casual as if he was discussing the weather when he says:

 

''What? I'm walking you home.''

 

''But...That's a big detour for you...''

 

''Doesn't matter.''

 

What...What in the world..? I wanted more proof? Here it is. Tsukki's making that much of an effort for me, or for whatever reason: that calls for code red. I'm stiff and extra self-aware as I catch up to him and start walking. When I do, he resumes walking, either oblivious to or ignoring my inner turmoil. I, on the other hand, cannot stop glancing at him, making sure he's still breathing properly. For all I know, he's on the verge of death.

 

Come on, you wimp! Say _something_. You have to have this conversation with him sooner or later. Kidding aside, there could be something seriously bothering him. Nobody changes so drastically without there being something wrong. I should at least tell him before we get to my house. I'll feel so mad making him walk all the way. Just speak up!

 

There's something. There's something inside me keeping me from talking, from asking Tsukki what's wrong. I'll be damned if I know what it is, but there's something. I'm so damn uncertain, and I hate it. Before I know it, we're already in front of my house. I feel pathetic, and nervous enough to jump out of my skin and hide forever but for some heavens forsaken reason I suddenly grab onto Tsukki's sleeve as he prepares to leave.

 

Tsukki stops, and I can swear there's a small shudder to his voice when he asks:

 

''What is it?''

 

''Ah, uh...Have you uh, been...feeling ok lately?''

 

He raises an eyebrow, like he doesn't quite get what I'm getting to.

 

''Yeah, why?''

 

''Oh'', I let out with a nervous laugh. ''It's just that you've been acting sorta strange...Like, doing all sorts of things for me...You're way nicer than usual...''

 

He doesn't answer, and I look away faster than it takes me to blink. I stare so hard at the ground I can see every single bump and pit. I don't even know what I'm saying; I sound so incoherent. I'm worried this whole thing is just going to bother him. Quickly, I sputter:

 

''That sounds really rude, I know...! Sorry...''

 

I hear him sigh, and dread moves in the pit of my stomach. It's not a tired or pensive sigh, no. There's distinct _frustration_ in it, I can tell. I've done it. I've offended him. I've thrown the good friendship we'd started to build in the trash. I don't think I can do this. I can't stand here and face his wrath. I'm still staring at the ground, biting my lip anxiously. Then, he speaks up in a whisper:

 

''Do you even know how exhausting this has been?''

 

I look up, startled and confused. Huh? What is he talking about? I'm totally lost. Suddenly he's rubbing his temples and covering his face and I'm going crazy wondering what it is I did wrong. Tsukki looks like he's just about had it; he looks so tired and frustrated. I'm completely frozen, staring at him with my mouth agape, looking like an idiot. Please don't be mad at me. Just tell me what I did wrong. Don't be mad at me, please.

 

''Ugh, it's my fault...I've been handling this all wrong.''

 

I blink. Still confused here. Slightly less worried, but still confused. I am not following _at all_ anymore. I try to communicate this confusion by looking at Tsukki, and he briefly meets my eyes. He seems to be making up his mind fast.

 

''Tsu—''

 

''Shut up for a sec.''

 

''O-ok!!''

 

I clam up while he takes a deep breath. It's taking me everything just to look at him in the eyes, when all I want is to disappear right where I stand. No such luck, because even though he looks restless, Tsukki isn't budging. A gust of wind blows, sending piles of leaves aflutter around us. Finally, Tsukki seems to make up his mind and starts:

 

''You're too dense, so I should just be honest. And there's a lot I need to say eventually, so I might as well do it now. All my running around hasn't done me any good.''

 

Pretty sure I'm half-dead by now from the suspense and oh, the heart-wrenching suspense. I keep looking at Tsukki as if I died in this position and now I'm stuck like that forever. Oh, but my heart is beating insanely fast, so I can't be dead. I don't even know anymore. I kind of wish Tsukki would hurry up, because this is really becoming difficult. The wind is getting stronger and damn, it's getting harder to hear Tsukki speak.

 

''I've never been a remarkable friend to you. As we grew older, I could only watch in regret as I treated you worse and worse. I thought of changing, but I never brought myself to act. I'm sorry about that.''

 

I would normally blink, but I actually can't right now. I can hardly believe the words coming out of Tsukki's mouth. This feels so surreal. Tsukki? Apologizing? To me? Nothing is real anymore. I don't even know why he's telling me this. I never felt that way. I've never, ever, blamed Tsukki for the way we were in the past. The problem was always me, and my lack of confidence. If anything, Tsukki was the only thing holding me up.

 

''Then, that time when you told me off, something changed. You forced me to act, forced me to stop being a bystander.''

 

I can feel myself turning red. I'm still embarrassed at that. Tsukki doesn't seem to care as he goes on:

 

''It's like you gave me an amazing gift. And even you, since then, you've been changing and growing, so I've gotten to...''

 

His speech is getting sloppy, but I'm too far gone to notice or care. I'm hanging on by a thread. This scene feels too impossible to be true. Tsukki apologizing to me, and thanking me, and just generally being so open and honest with me...I can't believe it, I'm shocked but I'm also besides myself with joy. All that, thus I am ready to ascend out of this world. Thank you and goodbye. Oh no, but Tsukki's not done yet. I have to stick around...just a bit more...!

 

''I like you, Tadashi.''


	9. Chapter 9

 The sky is turning from orange to cherry red. There's a cold, but soft breeze in the air; the kind that sneaks underneath your sleeves and sends your hair flying. It's a beautiful autumn scenery, complete with a delightful smell of cooking from the houses and the comforting embrace of warm clothes. The streets are quiet as well, without a soul in sight. Not even a stray cat to cause a ruckus. The time seems suitable for reflection and writing poetry.

 

What did Tsukki just say? I don't think I heard properly. The view of nature is just so poignant, I probably lost focus. Blinking, I tilt my head with a sheepish smile.

 

''Sorry, Tsukki...What was that? I don't think I--''

 

''You're kidding me, right?''

 

''Huh?''

 

He takes one step closer to me and my lower lips quivers just slightly. Worry is painted over my face. I should have been paying more attention. Tsukki looks angry now, despite how flustered he was a mere moment ago. I really didn't hear what he said though. I mean, it didn't make any sense to me. With the wind and everything Tsukki told me before, I couldn't follow. His final words are buzzing in my ears, so loud I can't make light of them.

 

''Yamaguchi, I know you heard me. You're either pretending you didn't, or you're denying what I said.''

 

''D-denying...?''I stammer.

 

''Yeah. If that's it, I can assume your answer's a no.''

 

Though his voice is even, I can hear the faint question mark at the end. He's not looking away, but his eyes look troubled. He looks uncertain, and really vulnerable. Meanwhile, I don't know where to look, I don't know what to do with my hands. I want to run away; I don't know how to deal with Tsukki looking like this. I wish I could just have a moment alone to collect my thoughts. I can't think straight at all right now. The words he said are still in my ears, buzzing and chirping and making such a racket.

 

There's this feeling bubbling up inside me. Is it...It feels like happiness. I don't get it; now's not the time to be happy. Tsukki's making fun of me. Or he's lying to me. Or I've begun hearing things. I don't know, but what Tsukki said can't be true. He's right, I heard them properly. They're coming into view now, but I know they're not true. It's just one of Tsukki's jokes or something. My voice is soft and miserable when I say:

 

''That's not funny, Tsukki...At all...''

 

I stare at the ground, because I don't have the strength to lift my eyes. It feels like something is weighing them down. I feel like such a sorry sight. I feel like when I was bullied. It's awful. Then, I hear Tsukki taking another step forward. I don't react, because I'm just about at the end of my rope here. I wait, motionless if not for the broken rhythm of my chest heaving up and down, as he comes to stop a few inches away from me.

 

''This isn't a joke. I'm not that much of an asshole.''

 

His voice sounds a bit winded, like this is genuinely affecting him. I didn't mean it like that, I didn't mean to offend him. It's impossible for me to believe what he told me, that's all. There's no proof, no reason, no cause behind it. It's not about being dense. There's simply no way I could be that person. Me of all people. Blame it on my low self-esteem, maybe, but the truth remains. My voice sounds more like a whine now, as I let out:

 

''I don't believe you...''

 

I hear him sigh. Is he going to leave? I feel like this moment lasted an unreal amount of time. Probably since I've gone through a dozen of emotions in a flash. If Tsukki leaves, I could finally catch my breath. I could revel in my defeat and feel sorry about myself all I want. I don't want that. This is awful. Why have I reverted to the old me? Why do I feel so devastated? Damn you, Tsukki. This is all your fault. Why did you ever have to say something as stupid as-

 

My mind goes blank. Suddenly, all I know is that Tsukki moved his hand to meet mine. All I know is that our fingertips are slightly entwined and it feels a bit ticklish and a little thrilling and so, so nice. It feels so nice I don't even want to question how or exactly when it happened. That's maybe what he wanted; to shut me up. I'm in a daze when Tsukki mutters:

 

''Are you going to act stupid much longer? I don't think I could handle it. Ah, then again I won't have a choice if we go out, huh...''

 

His finishes his sentence with a tired sigh, but he doesn't let go of my hand. I don't say anything. I don't want to ruin the moment. That sounds sentimental I know, but I was down-near having a breakdown just earlier, so I won't excuse myself from taking a breather. I want to enjoy the feeling in my stomach at last, the one I've been pushing away this entire time. For now, I'm going to ignore everything else. I'm going to take in this moment and everything that led up to it, fully.

 

It feels like a lot of things are falling into place. That ugly feeling I got the day Tsukki got confessed to last week, and the sheer amount of time I've spent thinking and worrying about Tsukki recently. At first, I thought it had everything to do with trying to salvage our friendship, then a bunch of things happened and led to a bunch of other things...I never stopped to wonder why it is he occupies my mind so much. Why he pops in my head so often or why he can bring about such a broad range of emotions in me.

 

Tsukki thought I was too dense, but he's wrong. It's merely that I could never have expected or imagined this. I never stop to think when it's about Tsukki. That's because he's always been a goal. Whether it was trying to be like him, or trying to fix the bond between us, I was always chasing him. Hence, I never thought that the tables could be turned. Ever. That he could chase after _me._ It's not that I didn't want that – oh how I wanted it. _I just never stopped to think._

 

''Me...'', I choke out.

 

Tsukki stiffens just a little and blinks, looking down at me. He doesn't say anything but I know he's wondering what kind of nonsense I'm going to spew out now. He hasn't let go of my hand, but I feel like he so easily could. I get worried, I look up and I breathe out:

 

''Me too...!''

 

Tsukki tilts his head, questioning.

 

''You'll have to deal with me if we go out too...? That's a given.''

 

I shake my head, lips clenched shut. I can't believe Tsukki's bullying me even now. He has to know what I mean, right?! He's making it so hard!

 

Oh. Since he came all this way, though, and worked hard, I guess it's only fair.

 

''I like...you too, Tsukki...''

 

''It sounds like you were tortured into saying that'', Tsukki answers flatly.

 

''W-wha? It does not!''

 

''Yeah, it does. You look like you're about to cry. Really, Yamaguchi, you're so sensitive. What happened to the cool you I started liking?''

 

''T-Tsukki...!!''


	10. Chapter 10

 It's early morning on the 17th of October, Wednesday, three days since Tsukki's confession. Whenever I think about it, especially when I give it that label, I get all hot in the face. That's normal, right? Three days isn't that long. It's also normal that I can barely sleep at night because I'm simultaneously embarrassed and nervous, right? I'm sure it is. I can't be expected to be cool and composed about this. I mean, I've never gone out with someone before. It's all new and shiny and nerve-wracking to me.

 

That being said, it's three days in and nothing's changed. Tsukki's stopped being overly kind and thoughtful, like he was when he was trying to make me notice him. That sounded really conceited, didn't it? I don't mean it like that...Anyway. That's about the only thing that changed. Aside from that, we've done nothing differently. It's an odd feeling, like the events of Sunday didn't really occur. It makes me uneasy, worried even.

 

The only thing that keeps me sane; convinced that I didn't just imagine everything, is the tense atmosphere in the first few seconds when we meet. During that time frame, it's like we both don't know what we should say or do. It might be different for Tsukki, although he does seem uncertain about something as well. Perhaps because I'm awkward, he doesn't know how to act either: because I'm throwing him off. Crap, I hope not!

 

I'm standing at the fork in the road where Tsukki and I always meet in the morning. He's going to get here soon, so I need to pull myself together before that. I'll try and be casual, too. If it's really me making Tsukki uncomfortable, thus making every moment together uncomfortable, I need to stop. That's easier said than done, though. All I did just now is put an insane amount of pressure on myself. Not good. Really not good.

 

We could hold hands, no? That's usually the first thing couples do, and we've done it before. I guess it doesn't really count since Tsukki did it to try and calm me down. We weren't exactly holding hands either, it was mostly our fingers touching. Oh, but it was really sweet. I'm getting a goofy smile remembering it. Holding hands on the way to school sounds a bit...I don't know, but it's more of a date thing, right?

 

Ok. I think that what I honestly need the most, is somebody to talk to about this. Someone other than Tsukki. I can't keep all my questions and concerns to myself forever or I'll explode. Tsukki and I will probably be at an awkward standstill indefinitely too. Who could I talk to then? Hinata comes to mind immediately. While I should be talking to someone older and has more experience, I feel like Hinata's been my guardian angel these past few days. That sounds childish I know, but still. It does feel like he's helped me this whole time.

 

Hinata it is then. His head is full of volleyball, so I don't think I'll be able to get some sound, applicable advice, but at least I'll get a lot off my chest. I'll talk to him during practise. I see Tsukishima up ahead. Crap, crap, crap. No, settle down. Act natural.

 

''Good morning, Tsukki...''

 

My voice is noticeably off-key, and this is so much worse than usual. Tsukki greets me back after looking at me a bit longer than the norm and we start walking. Mission unaccomplished.

 

***

''Hey, Hinata...''

 

We're taking a breather from practise: now is the perfect time to talk to him. Tsukki is still in play. In fact, aside from Hinata and I, only Kiyoko and Yachi are standing out. I don't mind if they overhear. They're a lot more understanding and mature than the guys, and I'm sure they can keep a secret. That's only if they overhear, anyway. Kiyoko isn't the type to eavesdrop. As for Yachi, well, she's my friend. I honestly don't mind if she gets in on this.

 

Hinata turns towards me, still drinking out of a water bottle. He tilts his head and makes a humming sound, which I guess is his way to acknowledge me. Well, guess I have to start with the crucial part. Now that I'm here, I'm getting nervous. Then again, it's Hinata! I remind myself of all he's done in the past days, how we've talked and how those talks always indirectly brought me something.

 

''T-the thing is, Tsukki and I are going out-''

 

I've never seen someone spit out their drink before, but that's why they say there's a first for everything. I watch with eyes wide as Hinata chokes and coughs, bending over and wiping his mouth while he struggles to catch his breath. Was that really such a shocker? I guess it had to be. Hinata finally looks at me, face contorted in disbelief. My confidence depleted in the last few moments, so I wait for him to speak up. Yet all he does is point to Tsukki out on the court and whisper:

 

''But _why_?''

 

Huh? Oh, maybe that's what he was so surprised about. I know Tsukki and him don't get along, but he doesn't have to be so rude. Tsukki's got his good traits, too! Though I guess he is mostly a jerk to Hinata. Looking at it that way, isn't Kageyama the same? While they're friends now, he used to always belittle his skills and thrash him around. There are still moments like that even now. Tilting my hand towards Kageyama, also on the court, I retort:

 

''Why then?''

 

Hinata turns beet red, more than I've ever seen. He's choking again.

 

''W-what are you talking about?!''he sputters.

 

''Eh? Aren't you two...an item? I-I just figured, since you seem so close lately.''

 

Hinata stares at me, eyes wide and lips shut. I stare back, uncertainty painting my face. Was I wrong? Oh god, I hope not! Talk about awkward! Luckily, Hinata's face gradually starts to show defeat, and then acceptance. He looks away, scratching his cheek.

 

''Well, you're right. But don't tell anyone. We're keeping it a secret until the prelims are over, at least. We don't want the team to lose focus even one bit.''

 

''I won't tell a soul'', I assure him. ''We're probably going to keep it secret for a while too.''

 

He nods, a grimace donning his face. He doesn't seem completely over what I've told him yet. I wait a minute for him to get his thoughts together, then I continue:

 

''So, basically I...I needed someone to talk to about this.''

 

This time around, Hinata seems flattered, albeit still unsure.

 

''Ok. Ok, so what's wrong? Is he being an asshole? Do you need tips on breaking up?''

 

''Wha--No! It hasn't even been a week!''

 

''Whaaat?! Then what's the problem?''

 

''There's no problem, really...It's just a bit...uncomfortable, when we're together.''

 

The more I say, the more I feel like I want to dig myself a nice hole in the ground and crawl in it forever. I sound so pathetic! The way this is going, Hinata's probably thinking 'oh, I see what he means' already. He probably wants this conversation to end too. I mean, first I put him on the spot about dating Kageyama and now I'm throwing my puny little problems onto him. I dare glance at him, and there's nothing of the like showing on the decoy's face. He's wearing a small, serious pout as he says:

 

''Aren't you just being shy? Nothing more normal than that.''

 

''Shy...?''

 

''Yeah! Is it your first time dating?''

 

I nod. On the other hand, Tsukki had a girlfriend before. It was in middle school, but it didn't mean a thing. It happened mainly because Tsukki was bored and wanted to see what it was like to have a girlfriend. I don't think they did anything besides going on a few dates and kiss before he dumped her. That's still a lot more than I can say for myself. When I explain this to Hinata, he winces and clenches his fist.

 

''What a jerk...!! Seriously, Yamaguchi, you can do better! Run while you can!!''

 

I laugh hesitantly, gaze drifting to the floor. I hear Hinata sigh.

 

''Like I said, it's normal to be shy. You don't know how to act, you don't know what to expect, so you're kinda scared, right? It was the same for me.''

 

I listen attentively. He's right. What I've felt up until now is mostly anxiousness, because I don't know what to do next and I keep questioning myself. Then, what about Tsukki? Hinata makes a face like it's painful for him to answer me, but he replies:

 

''He must be aware that you're feeling this way, and he's being patient not to scare you. That's kind of nice of him.''

 

My cheeks warm up. I realize this sounds corny; but I feel warm and fuzzy inside. Oh man, now I know what the term 'love-struck maiden' represents. Has Tsukki really been feeling that way? It's hard to tell when he's usually so blunt about things. But, see? I _said_ he had his good traits. Let not one more fool claim the opposite. I will defend my Tsukki! Meanwhile, Hinata crosses his arms like he's in deep thought.

 

''It's gotta be hard on him. He's got about as much a clue of what to do as you. You just gotta let him know you trust him. Then things'll happen on their own, and eventually you won't be so shy anymore!''

 

I'm sure if they could hear him now, the Karasuno boys would be amazed at how insightful Hinata can be. My eyes are full of wonder as I look at him. Past his shoulder, I notice Yachi nodding vehemently. She eavesdropped on us, it seems. More importantly, though, she's firmly agreeing with Hinata's speech. She looks so moved; her eyes are shining! I can't help a smile. I knew it'd be fine if she knew as well. Maybe I'll ask her for advice next time.

 

''Thanks, Hinata. You've really helped me.''

 

''No problem!''Hinata beams. ''Come to me anytime! And if you need help breaking up with him, I'll-''

 

''I won't!!''

 

***

I contemplate Hinata's words throughout the day: in class, during lunch, and all through afternoon practise. I know I'm shy and that it'll go away by itself, with time. I can't wait that long, though, not when Tsukki and I are so tense around each other. It's too unpleasant, and I don't want to put Tsukki through that. I need to do something to show Tsukki I trust him, to help him set the pace. In other words, I need to take a leap of faith. No matter how nervous I am, I just have to bear it for a while.

 

It's not like the thought never crossed my mind before, only now I'm really determined. I'm through making excuses. Tsukki made the first step, now I have to cross this bridge myself. I do, in fact, trust Tsukki, and I want us to be comfortable together. I want us to be like before, but like, with an added bonus? Isn't that the greatest thing about going out with your best friend? It's basically the same thing only with added make-out sessions, right?

 

What the Hell am I thinking about...? I can barely tell it's me speaking right now. We haven't even properly held hands yet. I can't even picture making out. Crap. I'm picturing it now. I unconsciously bring my trembling hands to my face. I wonder how it would feel...Tsukki kissing my lips, my neck, my collarbone. _Stop!_ Look who's talking! We haven't even pecked yet. _We haven't even held hands yet._ This is important.

 

I take a deep, shuddering breath to calm down. I leave the club room, bidding Hinata goodbye on the way. We exchange a knowing look, while Kageyama stares at us in turn, lost. Tsukki's waiting just outside. Upon seeing him, I feel the inevitable agitation in my stomach. But this time, I won't waver! With a smile, I say:

 

''Thanks for waiting, Tsukki!''

 

''It's nothing'', he answers.

 

It's not much, but I feel myself relaxing. In itself, that's a considerable improvement. We start walking, leaving the school. Sadly, it's not long before the anxiousness returns. Just when I'm about to start mentally sulking, Tsukki asks:

 

''What we you and shorty whispering about this morning? It felt like you guys were staring at me a lot.''

 

I nearly choke on absolutely nothing. How did he figure us out?! In any case, I need to deny everything, fast! The word 'nothing' is about to leave my mouth, when suddenly I stop. Wait. I'm supposed to be showing trust. Lying is definitely not the way to go then. Being honest right now would be the perfect way to show trust, wouldn't it? Yes, it would. So...go on already! Show your stuff. I fidget and stammer:

 

''I was asking him for advice...When we're together it feels weird lately, so Hinata said that to put you at ease I should-''

 

My sentence dies on my lips with a short gasp. Tsukki is kissing me, pressing his lips softly against mine. As he does, I feel his hand move to take mine and I feel really stupid for it but all I can think is _yes, we've finally done it_. I forget all about the cold wind in the air; I'm entirely focused on Tsukki's proximity and the erratic beating of my own heart. Tsukki pulls away, slowly letting go of my hand as well. I remain unresponsive, until he waves his hand in front of me.

 

''Still alive?''

 

I'm unable to respond, but then I glance up and realize that – damn it all _–_ _he's wearing that smirk_ _again._ I'm fuming and screaming and dying of embarrassment inside, but I don't manage to show more than a pouty, bratty grimace. Marks my words, Tsukki: I will have my revenge! Oblivious to my inner – and empty – threat, Tsukki smiles and tilts his head towards the road.

 

''Come on, let's go.''

 

Looks like I won't be able to get any sleep tonight either.  


	11. Chapter 11

 As expected, I didn't catch a wink of sleep that night. Instead, I lied in my bed, curled up and eyes slightly glazed over as I stared into nothing. Along with that, a warm feeling pooled in my stomach and didn't leave for even a moment. The image of Tsukki kissing in my mind, I insisted on trying to remember the sensation. Put all that together, and you've got a recap of my sleepless night. I'm well aware of how sickeningly sweet that sounds, but it's the truth.

 

In all honesty, I did manage to catch two, maybe three hours of sleep right before I had to wake up. I could have done without them honestly, since getting up was torture. Either way, I eventually dragged myself out of bed, somehow wriggled into my uniform, very clumsily ate breakfast and washed up before leaving the house in a trance-like state. It's only after a few minutes of walking towards school that I began to awake.

 

Why? Simple. I was getting closer to Tsukki. The anticipation is enough to get me nervous and excited and giddy at the same time. By the time I reach the fork in the road, I'm completely awake. Tsukki's there, yawning his jaw off. He properly covers his mouth, because it's Tsukki and he has manners. Was he not able to sleep either? If yes, it's probably not for the same reason as me. I can't let myself get all high over an assumption like that.

 

''Tsukki!''I call out, running up to him.

 

He turns his head towards me, acknowledging me with a nonchalant look. As I catch up to him, I smile brightly.

 

''Good morning!''

 

''Morning'', he drawls.

 

It took me some time, but looking at Tsukki like this, it finally hits me. We kissed yesterday. The memory beams right back at me full force, and my face heats up accordingly. It happened. Just yesterday. It felt really great and all, but wow. It really happened. Tsukki doesn't look fazed in the slightest. Oh, but it wasn't his first. A-anyway, now that it's out of the way – that's a brash way of saying it, I know – it should be easy to do it again, right? So, that means...

 

''Let's go'', Tsukki announces with a brief yawn.

 

Oh. Guess not right now, huh? That's fine, it's not like I wanted us to kiss right this exact moment. I'm a bit anxious and I want to get rid of that feeling, is all. I start walking next to Tsukki, trying the chase the thought out of my mind. I glance at Tsukki. Nothing particular to note. I look ahead again. Well, there's no longer any tension in the air. We've finally entered a comfortable sphere together. I try to revel in that fact, but the thought of kissing doesn't let up.

 

Whatever, I'll strike up a conversation with Tsukki for now. I'm bound to forget about as the day goes by, right?

***

Wrong. I have never been more wrong. I did not forget about it. It's all I thought about, all day. I have never once in my life thought of myself as _that_ kind of person, but today has proven me wrong. Well, alright, in my defence, my thoughts were rather chaste. All I did was stare at Tsukki, mostly at his lips, and imagine us kiss. More often than not, I ended up banging my head on the desk to snap out of it. This cycle repeated itself until the very last class.

 

Thank god there was practise to clear my head, but as soon as it finished I was right back to square one. I changed in a hurry and charged out of the clubroom. It felt too stuffy inside. I could swear Hinata and Kageyama were looking at me like they _knew._ Hence, I had to get out of there, breathe some fresh and perhaps regain my sanity. Tsukki was quick to join me, giving me a weird look as if to ask me what the heck was wrong.

 

Luckily, he didn't ask me outright. I don't think I could explain to him hos I feel right now. I don't even fully understand it myself. Ok so I've kinda been thinking of kissing sorta all day, but that alone doesn't explain my current state at all. Obviously a bunch of feelings came along with my craving. Wait. _Craving?_ I make it sound like I'm pregnant and craving for a weird snack. What am I even—I can't think straight. See what I mean when I say I couldn't possibly explain myself to Tsukki? Yeah.

 

We start walking, and I'm still brooding. Why am I taking this so seriously? I mean, if I want to kiss I can go ahead and do it. I'm way too shy, though. No way, no how. I don't even know how to kiss? It could end in humiliation and anger and disappointment. That's part one of my current medley of feelings. Part two is, if I can't initiate a kiss, why can't Tsukki? Why isn't he? It shouldn't bother me, but it does. A bit. I guess what I'm feeling is called frustration.

 

Then, there's everything else. Anxiousness, excitement, a bit of shame too. All those bunched up together, making me into a mess. All this over a kiss too. What am I, ten? I just don't know anymore. This is really annoying. I think Tsukki's talking to me about something? I can't really pay attention. I'm staring at his lips and it's taking up my undivided attention. I've become a creep. This is not what my mother wanted for me. It wouldn't be that bad if I acted on it, but no. I can only stay like this.

 

I wasn't like this yesterday. How could one little kiss have this much effect on me? Ack, it's pointless to ask myself that. I want to do it again, alright! Nothing wrong with that. It felt really nice. It was just a little kiss, without our lips even moving, but it's the kind that leaves you wanting to try again. It felt soothing and, because it was new to me, exhilarating as well. I can't help but wonder if it'll feel the same the next time around. I can't help wondering a whole bunch of things.

 

Honestly, I cannot help wanting to--

 

''Yamaguchi.''

 

''Kiss?''

 

...

..

.

I catch Tsukki's baffled look against my will, mere seconds before he hunches over, laughing his head off. My face turns as read as the dot on our flag. I stare at the ground in disbelief, body stiff. I can't believe what I just did. Nope, it didn't happen. Tsukki called out to me, and I answered like a normal person and said 'yes?', that's what happened. I most certainly did not come out of nowhere and answer with that accursed four letter word, like some kind of obsessed maniac.

 

I bring my hands to cover my face, still mortified. Tsukki is tearing up. I want to die.

 

''Don't laugh...'', I beg.

 

It's a little late for that, but Tsukki's choked laughter begins to slow. Soon enough, only a grin is left on his face. I'm still horribly red in the face and frozen into place with utter shame. I gather the strength to glance up at Tsukki through the space between my fingers. He's wiping a tear from the corner of his eye. He's having himself a ball while I feel like the biggest idiot on Earth. Now that I think about though, I'm pretty sure that will sum up our relationship in the future. Great, great. And I agreed to this, too. Perfect.

 

''I was going to ask you if something was wrong, but there's no need for that now'', Tsukki teases.

 

I grimace. Why do you have to be such a bully, Tsukkiiii?!

 

''Look this way.''

 

My first instinct is to categorically refuse. As if I could even right now. But then, I can't go against the tone Tsukki just used. Slowly, I remove my hands from my face and look up at Tsukki. He looks somewhat self-satisfied. He moves to cup my face and plants a kiss on my lips. My eyes close on instinct, but the rest of my body is too slow to respond.

 

This kiss is definitely different. Tsukki briefly pulls away before kissing me again, and our breaths are mingling and wow it feels really great. I'm just about to raise my hands to cling onto Tsukki's jacket when he pulls away again. This time, he whispers:

 

''Want to come over?''

 

It doesn't take me a second to nod.  


	12. Chapter 12

 As I step into Tsukki's house – something I've done many times before – I begin to feel nervous. The courage I had mere minutes ago is gone, chased away by the silence in the lobby and the realization that _we're alone in the house._ At least, I think we are. Otherwise Tsukki's family would have greeted him, right? Yeah. My heart rate steadily increases as I mimic Tsukki, taking off my shoes and dropping my bag on the floor.

 

Once I have nothing left to do – thus, all I can do is think – whatever confidence I had left dwindles until none of it remains. Now that I'm here, what's going to happen? Why did I come here? When Tsukki asked, it felt like a big deal but, what if I was just imagining that? Maybe I went ahead of myself thinking something is going to happen, that Tsukki was inviting me for that reason. Then, if he's not, I'll look like an idiot if I let it show.

 

Ah, but, it's pretty obvious Tsukki invited me for that reason, isn't it? I mean, he did right after we kissed, so...Wait, what about me? Since when am I so comfortable with this kind of thing? Even going as far as following Tsukki home! It's bold of me, to say the least. Oh no, I'm beginning to over-analyze things. I'm quickly going from nervous to scared too. I don't even notice that I've been staring at an invisible spot on Tsukki's floor for a while now, until I hear:

 

''Yamaguchi?''

 

I blink and my head jerks towards Tsukki. It hits me just how out of it I was, forgetting my surroundings almost entirely. Slowly, as if I'm remembering how to speak, I answer:

 

''Y-yeah, Tsukki?''

 

He's observing me carefully, like he's making sure I'm ok. I must have worried him, zoning off like that. My doubts and questions fade away, replaced by Tsukki. He's in front of me, concerned about me. I came here because I want to, because I want to be with Tsukki. I want us to talk and kiss and stay close until I become used to it, until I'm a hundred percent comfortable around Tsukki. He probably has the same thing in mind. I know he won't do anything against my will, either. So there's no need for me to be scared.

 

''Is something wrong?''

 

I fervently shake my head. See? I made him worry. I've calmed down now, so it's ok. I swear I won't let things become awkward between us again. I'm on a mission, damn it!

 

''Tsukki...are we, uh...are we going to your room?''

 

Yet, this is all I can manage, with a weakly voice and shifty eyes to boot. Tsukki doesn't seem to mind. He brings a hand behind his neck and says:

 

''There's no one home, but I guess we can.''

 

Ah. Is he trying to act casual? Maybe he is, to put me at ease. It's nice to think that way. It feels like Tsukki is being extra conscientious with me. I may just be getting ahead of myself again. Putting my uncertainties aside, I follow Tsukki up the stairs. I find his room as clean as ever, a rarity in a high school boy. There are no tasteless pin-ups either, and instead remnants of his childhood, two toy dinos, don his shelf. Tsukki is such a dork. I love it. There's no way I could ever feel nervous while being aware of that.

 

Starting from that point on, I don't have time to think. Tsukki takes me by the hand and guides me to his bed. I do my best not to stumble on the way, until Tsukki lets go and sits on his bed. He removes his glasses and sets them on the night table. He then looks up at me and snakes a hand behind my back. My heart starts to beat faster; it's obvious what this position demands, right? Even if that wasn't clear enough, the gaze Tsukki's giving me speaks for itself. I take a second too long to breathe, and Tsukki urges me:

 

''Yamaguchi...''

 

He's acting a bit needy all of a sudden. Although I shouldn't be surprised: I'm the one who accepted to come here and then suggested we go to his room. Either way, I don't mind. There's something strangely empowering about Tsukki's behaviour. Not to mention our position. It's not often I get to look down at Tsukki. It's a nice view. Confidence returns to me and I finally make up my mind. I hunch forward and meet Tsukki's expectant lips.

 

It's the same as the one outside, with Tsukki pecking at my lips now and then. I start to relax and lean more into him. That's when Tsukki's tongue slips out to glide over my lower lip. I stiffen and he waits a while before doing it again. I have no idea what to do. I'm not confident at all. I only manage to dart my tongue forward a teensy bit, but it's enough for it to briefly slide under Tsukki's. A spark runs through my body and I grab onto Tsukki's shoulders, clutching his shirt. I'm still unsure, but I clumsily try to re-create the sensation. This time, blood rushes to my face and I pull away in a hurry.

 

My breathing is loud – breathing while kissing seems to be too high a level for me yet – and my heartbeat is erratic. Tsukki also catches his breath and looks up at me, trying to meet my eyes and make sure I'm ok. So I say, but his eyes look a bit clouded, and even I can tell that he's eager to continue. His hand travels from my back to my waist, gently tugging me closer. My heart jumps in my chest at that, and my fingers loosen around Tsukki's collar. I swallow the bit of saliva that had pooled in my mouth, waiting for my breathing to even out. Then, I lean down to kiss Tsukki again.

 

The room is getting warmer and warmer. There's a faint smell of sweat in the air, emerging from under our clean clothes. It's not sickening, but it's making me dizzy. What's worse are the sounds coming from my mouth. I haven't gotten breathing through my nose down yet, so instead the moments between kisses are punctuated with short breaths and gasps. I'm awfully self-conscious about it, given that it's the only sound filling my ears.

 

''Tsu...Tsukki...my neck...hurts..'', I huff whenever my mouth is free.

 

He pulls away, looking so hot and bothered I can hardly take my eyes off him. He's really turning me on. He gently pushes me away, allowing space for his legs to draw close. He peers up at me and lets out:

 

''Sit here.''

 

I hesitate less than a second before doing as he says. I lower myself onto his lap, my legs on either side. _I'm straddling Tsukki._ It feels weird. Our crotches are too close like this; it's making me needlessly worried and hyper-aware. However, I'm now just a little above Tsukki. If I tilt my head down a tad, our noses are touching. Tsukki evidently has no time to be bashful, and his hands return to my waist as he kisses me more hungrily than before.

 

This new position turns out to be better in more ways than one. It's much easier for Tsukki to reach me now, and my face, neck and shoulders are all exposed to him. He abandons my lips to suck at the crook of my neck, drawing a breathy whimper from my throat. That felt good. That felt really good. I bury my head in Tsukki's shoulder, breathing hard against his shirt.

 

''Tsukki...Tsukki, enough...'', I whine softly.

 

I'm starting to feel restless, like I'm taking in more than I can handle. What Tsukki's doing feels great, but it's making me fearful of what might come next. I just really think it's better to stop now. This is about all I can do so soon. Having uttered those words, I worry about what Tsukki might say.

 

''Yeah...''

 

His voice is strained, making me grimace.

 

''You don't sound convinced at all, Tsukki...''

 

''Shut up'', he grumbles.

 

''S-sorry, Tsukki...''

 

He glances at me, before covering his face and looking away.

 

''It's fine, just-Can you get off me?''

 

I promptly get off his lap, standing up in front of him. My legs feel a little weak, my face is still read and my breathing is still loud. As for Tsukki, he looks a lot more flustered now that the mood is broken. That's a given, I guess. He looked so confident a minute ago. So handsome. Ah, but he's still handsome. My eyes drift from Tsukki to his bed; I'm not sure where to look. I'm too caught up in my own inner turmoil to catch Tsukki's muttering:

 

''I can't believe I got carried away... Damn you, Tadashi.''

 

''What?''

 

''I said 'are you hungry'.''

 

I blink. He's changing the subject! I'm thankful for that. I nod and he gets off his bed. On the way out of his room, he stops and turns to me.

 

''Come on. You're staying here, right? I'll make you something.''

 

My face lights up. Tsukki's not mad. I got through this hurdle. I think I've more than achieved my goal for the day, too. I should be more comfortable around Tsukki now, ah, unless I start picturing what we did just now. Like I'm doing right now, for example. I cover my flushed face and nod at Tsukki again. He doesn't seem pleased at my reaction.

 

''Don't get embarrassed now, stupid.''

 

''Sorry, Tsukki...'', I whine, the red on my cheeks deepening.

 

He leaves his room with an irritated huff. Alone in the room, I reflect on what just happened. To think that two weeks ago, my biggest concern was to get closer to Tsukki. Well, I got my wish granted, but not exactly how I pictured it. This is better, though. My cheeks warm again. A lot better.

 

''What's the hold up, Yamaguchi?!''Tsukki calls from downstairs.

 

''Sorry! I'm coming now, Tsukki!!''

 


End file.
